Of you
by AlmayCorazon
Summary: A/U: Looking back over her mistakes...her most life altering decision was messing around with both of her best friends. She's never been able to let love that strong go and so in turn we all end up suffering. One past, two alternate futures. Parallel Universes. Quinntana and Brittana.
1. Seeing You

_**A/N: So I wrote this thing...**_

* * *

Tired.

She sat with her back against the brick wall, lamenting over the sins of her past to anyone who would listen, hoping, deep down, that the one she loved would pass by.

_"I don't belong here."_ She mumbled, finally giving up on her utterances, choosing instead to bury her head against her knees and sink further into herself.

Maybe she could have given up, given in and maybe she would have but then the unthinkable happened rendering the other party goers speechless.

The lights were gleaming now, the drunken idiots were all leaving, the house was in shambles and while she knew that she should be moving as well, Santana remained there.

Beautiful in her misery and perfect for the picking...

The plucking.

The pruning.

Perfect to be turned into a masterpiece content with her own beauty...

Destiny.

Existence.

Worthy enough to be mine.


	2. Burning You

_**More of the thing...**_

* * *

**Eliana**

**New York City**

**December 21st, 2038 **

**7 a.m.**

* * *

_"I'm so sick right now, Mami. We all are. I'm not sure how you could live with yourself. You've ruined more lives than just your own. Your marriage is in shambles, your children are all losing their fucking minds and for what, a few fucking hours of pleasure everyday behind our backs? How could you? Is Aunt B so important to you that you would throw away your marriage like this? Mama has been through so much shit in her life and you go and do this to her, to us?! I'm so ashamed of you." _

The nurse pretended not to look at me but I could see her shock as I growled at my mother, her milky brown eyes full of anger and hurt but I didn't care who saw.

Mami deserved to be told about herself.

I knew the feelings that were coursing through her all too well by this point and I knew that I wasn't in the wrong, she was.

I wasn't the fuck up this time, she was.

I could tell that she wanted to speak to me, that she wanted the chance to explain herself but with her jaw wired shut and her lip stitched up three different ways...I knew it was impossible.

As pissed as I was though, she still intimidated me. Even with her barely able to move, I made sure to speak from a few feet away because when your mother is Santana Lopez, you know she's capable of anything.

Shit, after she landed herself in here and the world as we knew it fell apart, I was certain that her flying out of that bed to kick my ass wasn't entirely out of the realm of possibility.

But not even that fear kept me silent.

I was hurting and if this betrayal hurt me, I knew for a fact that Mama was a lot worse off. She deserved better and I wanted to give that to her.

I knew that somewhere along the line, somehow, this had to be fixed.

There was no way that something as perfect as my life could be over, no way that everything we had been through was now worthless. A happy family was now in a million pieces and for what?

My selfish mother and her meaningless bullshit.

I wouldn't stand for it.

Mami hadn't always been this hung up on Brittany. At some point, she was her regular self, endlessly in love with Mama and their three kids.

Something had to be done, I just wasn't sure what.

* * *

**Star**

**Los Angeles**

**December 21st, 2038**

******7 a.m.  
**

* * *

_"I've been here all night you know. Ma went home but I stayed. I think she's crushed to find out about your affair but you know, she reacted like she expected it to happen all along. Which is crazy because nobody else had a clue."_

_"Yea well, your Ma always was a genius." _She said, her smile more sad than I had ever seen.

_"I know."_

_"I'm sorry, mi'ja." _

_"That's what you keep saying."_

_"Because that's what I keep meaning." _

_"Do you love her like you love Ma?"_

For the first time in my life, I witnessed my mother become speechless. She dropped her head and shrugged as her frail hands twisted her bronze wedding band around her finger, over and over and over again.

_"It's complicated."_ She finally said, her deep brown eyes, sad and guilty.

_"It's not. You either love Ma or you love Titi Quinn. You can't do both. Not anymore."_

She nodded at me.

_"You're right. It's just, Star baby, remember both Lady and Lord Tubbs?"_

The thought of my old cats made my heart hurt.

_"Yea?"_

_"Remember when they died and you thought you could never love another cat as much as them?"_

Her point rang loud and clear to me. I knew where she was going with this.

_"I love them still with all my heart, Mami."_

_"And what about Cuppy?"_

The thought of my little Siamese cat that Ma had bought me when I turned thirteen made me smile.

_"I love Cuppy with all of my heart too."_

I knew what she was trying to tell me but I still needed her to say the words flat-out. I needed to hear her tell me what this meant for our family.

_"I can't not love Quinn, baby the same way I can't not love your mom. Maybe at some point in the past I could have but after all of these years, it's like I don't even know how to have one without the other. Does that make sense?"_

_"I wish it didn't."_

_"I know, me too."_

The sting of her words made me feel lost and lonely but at the same time, it gave me hope.

Maybe I could find a way to go back to the point before her feelings for her best friend became just as strong as the ones for my mother.

And if I could do that...maybe I could fix my family again.

* * *

_**A/N: Should I continue? Hmmm...**_


	3. Disappointing You

**_A/N: How this thing happened...TRIGGER WARNING...some domestic violence and of course some fucking foul language because...why not?  
_**

**_Also, these are mirrored realities my loves. The instances in the last chapter happen at the same exact time in two different cities, two different dimensions._**

* * *

**Eliana**

**New York City**

**One month prior**

* * *

It was late and to make matters worse, I had thrown my phone into the Hudson on a dare, it was hard to turn down a challenge, no matter how stupid. I never gave in, which ended up fucking me over and not for the first time.

So I knew that them not being able to contact me would make whatever my punishment was worse.

Mami would call me a fuck up and take a strap to my legs if she was drunk and by chance, if she was sober, she would just slap the back of my head, tell me to find my fucking brain and to stop making Mama cry.

Why was I always fucking up? Truth is that trouble just seems to find me, no matter how much I try to be more like Mama.

She always cries on nights like this and then reminds me that I had to do better because my two little brothers looked up to me.

Even if I wish they wouldn't.

I'm a bad influence and I know it.

I do nothing but sleep around with Addi, get drunk, sneak out and get high, convinced that if I just maintain my grades that everything will be okay.

Yea I know, I'm delusional.

I looked at my watch, my back aching like hell. Cringing as I climbed off the train, I prayed that Mami was sober, because after a night of chasing my asshole of a boyfriend all the way to Queens, just to have him shove me into the street so hard that I was starting to think that I had a broken rib, I was sure that anything a drunk Mami had for me would break me.

* * *

I have wanted to change for as long as I can remember and every time that I get home to see Mami fuming in her recliner with a drink in one hand and a thick belt in the other and Mama pacing and crying, begging her to hear me out...my heart broke.

Through it all, I took my hits like a champ and promised them that I wouldn't fuck up anymore...only to get wrapped up in bullshit of my own creation again and again.

Aunt B says that I'm just like Mami when she was my age and that only gives me a small amount of relief.

When I fuck up, I wish I was more like Mama in all of her calm and purity but from the stories I hear, she was a little shit too. Why did they think I'd be any different?

So when I told my mothers that they shouldn't expect so much since they were ten times more shitty when they were teenagers, I got a fat lip from Mami, while Mama drug me to confession and then forced me on my knees every night for a month to pray for forgiveness.

* * *

As strict as they are, I love them like no other and I think that's what makes me want to be better. I want to make them proud.

Even if I am being nothing like the woman they raised me to be, I do have a desire to see the pride in their eyes when I graduate with honors, when I find true love and they walk me down the aisle.

That's why after tonight, with my heart in pieces, the inevitable change would have to be more permanent. I was so tired of searching for what I might never find but my parents had in spades.

True love.

As a kid, I swore my moms were incompatible; one a functioning drunk and the other a devout Catholic but in reality they fit like two pieces of a puzzle. No matter what they were doing, the heat in their eyes, the playfulness between them and the way they fell in sync when it came to the three of us, reflected their commitment to each other.

To this day, I am completely enamored with finding a love like theirs which has landed me in more trouble and given me more heartbreak than a human should be able to endure.

* * *

By the time I got off the subway and trudged the six blocks home in the freezing cold, it was nearing 2 and I was sure that the further that I got from my midnight curfew, the more opportunity Mami had to drink, that thought alone had me running towards the house, holding firmly to my side, practically in tears that I would never allow to fall.

My plan was to pin all of this on Addi and milk the bruises that I was sure were on my back but I didn't even have a chance.

The lights were on downstairs and what sounded like mumbles from the sidewalk, I discovered was a bunch of screaming coming from the living room.

Shock filled me, my parents NEVER argued for more than a few minutes and it was always little spats that were more silly than angry but this...

The way that Mama's fists were balled up and the veins were popping from her neck as she slammed her good foot down on floor while standing over Mami, whose sober eyes were black as coals.

_"Who the fuck is she, Santana?!"_ Mama yelled as I closed the door softly behind me. Mama's back was to me as she held up her fist, opening it up enough to reveal a lacy thong. My stomach churned.

Deny it, Mami. I silently begged as I tried to silently make my way to the stairs.

_"Like I said a hundred Goddamned times now, Q."_ Mama cringed at the swear and so did I. We didn't talk like that in this family. Not even Mami did. Never God's name in vain but apparently the gloves were off and Mami didn't give a shit. _"I don't know what the fuck you are talking about. I bust my ass to support you and the kids and this is the thanks that I get?!"_

I was frozen on the bottom step, so sure that the Molly that I took earlier was making me see and hear shit. This couldn't be happening.

And then Mama did the unthinkable. She took the panties and put them right to her nose and sniffed before tossing them at Mami.

_"After all these years, I know what your pussy smells like Santana and that stench is not it and those sure aren't mine! What kind of whore wears a thong that cheap and flimsy? Who is she?"_

And that is how I knew that neither one of them had seen me because drunk or not, Mami raising her hand to Mama and slapping her so hard that her neck snapped to the side, was something I never thought I'd see.

Mami stood with her mouth half-open, looking down at her hand in shock as if it had betrayed her but it was Mama, a red imprint on her cheek, her eyes half lidded as she looked directly at me, her blood dripping from the corner of her lip, that confirmed what I didn't want to admit.

This moment, was the beginning of the end.

* * *

_"Go upstairs."_ She said, her voice gravely but strong. _"Make sure the boys are okay."_

_"Ma..."_ I began to say but her eyes got wider as she wiped the blood with the back of her hand and then looked at it before shooting Mami a glare. _"Seriously, San."_

_"Do what your mother says."_ Mami barked, snapping out of her trance._ "And do your best to forget what you saw, this doesn't concern you."_ She added.

_"How the fuck not?"_ I said, moving from the step, ready to knock her off her feet for hitting Mama.

_"Don't fucking test me Eliana Grace. I brought you into this world and I can take you out. Go the fuck upstairs like your mother said. NOW!"_

I flinched at the crackling restraint in her voice but didn't listen. I walked closer ready to challenge her but then I felt a hand on my arm. The same hand that had a trail of blood on the back of it.

_"Stop it, Ellie. Please?"_ She begged, her green eyes meeting mine, silently pleading. _"I can handle myself, love, trust me."_

I looked into my mother's eyes and saw the spark there. Years of praying and daily devotions had made her look weak but the sassy bitch she had always been was still in there.

_"Okay but if she hits you again, she'll be the one leaving this world."_ I growled.

Mami looked shocked but didn't say another word as she watched the small nod of permission that Mama gave me.

_"Go and don't forget to say your prayers."_

_"Okay. I love you." _I said, cupping her cheek and wiping the new spot of blood away with the corner of my sleeve.

She smiled at me and nodded._ "I love you too. Go ahead, up." _

And finally I did, even if I felt like I was betraying Mama. This wasn't the time to disobey and when I saw my brothers at the top of the stairs, tears in their eyes, holding hands and trying to be silent.

I swore to myself that nights like tonight would never happen again. If Mami had affairs in the past, I would make sure that they stayed there. I'd make sure she made it all right.

The time for my inevitable life change had finally come, it was time for me to be the rock of this family.

This used to be a happy home and for my brothers, I would make sure that this was a moment they would forget.

* * *

_**A/N: I'm sure you are full of questions. Ask me and I will make it a point to answer if I can or I'll show you in the next chapter.** _


	4. Exhausting You

_**A/N: I hope this chapter helps with the confusion because I'm afraid if after this, it doesn't make any sense, I may have lost you and I don't want that so let me know if you are still perplexed. I don't bite...I promise?! LOL.**_

* * *

**Star**

**Los Angeles  
**

**One Month Prior**

* * *

_"Are you excited to go home?"_

I lifted my sleeping mask and peered over at my roommate before dropping it over my eyes again.

_"Not really."_ I grunted before attempting to fall asleep before takeoff.

_"Why not?"_ She asked, way too chipper for this time of morning.

_"For reasons that I would like __to __not discuss with you. Now let me sleep or I will make this six hour flight hell for you. I promise." _

_"Geez, I was just trying to make conversation."_

_"Well, don't. After four months of living with me, you should know better than to interrupt me when I'm sleeping." _

_"I didn't think that counted while we were on a plane."_

"_Well it does, so please shut the fuck up."_ I said as sweetly as possible, my stomach rolling as we moved closer to the runway._ "Please."_ I sighed, frustrated that I even had to explain myself.

After snapping at my abnormally perky roommate, I turned towards the window and pushed in my ear buds until all I could hear was the thumping of the tracks that I had mastered.

I didn't like to sing or dance like my famous parents but I did like to mix music and write songs. It was my joy and my safe place when the world seemed all too ready to attack my family for one reason or another.

* * *

When you grow up in the limelight, paparazzi is a part of that. There are laws about taking pictures of famous children but once you hit a certain age, that tends to fly right out of the window.

And since my birthday was just a month away, they were already taking the liberty but I was more than prepared for it. I slipped my sunglasses over my eyes and exited the plane while securing my baseball cap over my head.

A few girls from school had made the connecting flight from Chicago with me and just smiled as they passed by me. Some of them were slipping on sunglasses and hats like me and others, were just breezing on through with no care in the world. Creepy, fat guys weren't chasing after them to get their picture but for the select few that knew how this fucked up entertainment business worked, we had to be prepared.

I didn't even make it to baggage claim before the first guy began to call towards me, trying to get me to look at him but I walked straight by him.

Things were silent for a moment as I found my bag and then made my way through LAX but then the unthinkable happened.

_"Star Lopez, how do you feel about your parents' divorce? Is it true that your godmother was the other woman? Are you coming home to pick up the pieces? Star, can I get a statement, Star? Star! Come on sweetie, one statement?"_

Shock hit me square in the chest.

This couldn't be right. My mothers were happy. Right?!

The sight of Mami's driver standing off to the side with the back door already open, was like manna from heaven.

I just had to get through a hoard of photographers yelling obscene things at me because I wouldn't look at them.

The moment that Carlos saw me, though, he pushed his way through the crowd and wrapped his coat around my shoulders.

There were a million questions being screamed and even more flashes as my picture was taken against my will. It took everything in me not to cry.

How soulless could these jerks be?

* * *

_"Is it true?"_ I asked Carlos as soon as we drove away from the circus that was still trying their hardest to take my picture through the tinted windows.

_"Is what true, Miss?"_ He asked, peeking into the rear-view, our eyes met but his expression gave nothing away.

_"Are they getting a divorce? Who cheated? It was Mami, wasn't it?"_

He looked at me again, this time with some compassion before looking back at the road.

_"You know I can't answer that, Star. I'd lose my job."_

_"Please?"_ I begged, wanting some kind of heads up._ "Can you at least give me some idea of what I'm walking into?" _I pleaded._  
_

He sat silent for a moment, maneuvering the car around the winding roads on the way to Malibu and that alone should have clued me in but I was too anxious to pay attention.

_"All I can say, and this stays between us, is that both Brittany and Santana are at home. They are waiting for you."_

My heart sank.

That was everything that I needed to know, packaged up, nice and neat.

It was a rare occasion for either of them to be at home waiting for me. They were both famous, both busy, and both used to phoning it in when I was home for the holidays.

I sat in silence, wiping at my tears and wishing that I was back in my Rhode Island dorm room with my annoying roommate.

* * *

No matter what house we are staying in, there is always sound.

Mami is usually moving around, singing or playing her piano in the foyer and Ma, well she always has company over and is randomly throwing pool parties but when I pushed open the door, I heard nothing.

I turned to ask Carlos about it but he hung back by the car, playing on his phone and paying me no mind.

That alone had me feeling like I was walking into a trap.

I moved through the house as silently as possible but of course, Ma heard me.

_"SJ, is that you?"_ I heard Ma call out and my heart sped up. They were in the kitchen.

_"Yes."_

_"Mami made lunch,"_ I heard her footsteps and froze on the spot in the center of the dining room. New tears pouring from my eyes. _"SJ?"_

_"Okay, Ma."_ I whimpered, her blue eyes going from happy to concerned in a heartbeat.

_"Aww, baby don't cry."_ She wrapped her arms around me and I broke apart in a million pieces.

_"Please don't get divorced."_ I cried into her neck and she just rubbed my back but didn't acknowledge my words at first.

She was trying to comfort me but eventually gave in.

_"I'm not happy anymore, SJ, and neither is she but nothing is going to change. I promise."_

_"I thought we were going to tell her together."_ Mami's voice announced from behind me.

_"We are."_ Ma said over my head sounding annoyed.

_"Star?"_ A warm hand touched my arm and I sobbed even harder. _"Ay, mi'ja, don't cry. We love you okay, just please come eat, we want to talk to you."_

_"Yea, SJ, don't cry yet, she has to get out the whole speech she has prepared first."_

There was silence, which I knew meant that Mami was glaring but I couldn't look at her, feeling like if one rumor was true than the cheating was probably just as real.

And my bets were all on her.

* * *

Mami walked ahead of us into the kitchen looking a little pudgier than I had ever seen her. Ma kept an arm around me and leaned against my ear.

_"I'm sorry for all of this, SJ. I wish I could have stopped the way things ended up much sooner. I'm so sorry, baby girl." _

_"Britt!"_ Mami called from the kitchen and Ma pulled away from my ear. _"You promised."_

_"Yea well, so did you and you know how that turned out. Breaking promises is just what we do now. Right?"_ Ma snapped gesturing towards Mami.

And that's when I saw it.

_"What the fu-?!" _Mami glared me, hands on her hips while I stood there in shock but I couldn't stop myself from yelling._ "Are you pregnant?"_ I said, pulling away from Ma. _"How could you do this to us?!"_

_"Damnit, Brittany!"_

* * *

From the moment that we finally had food in front of us, I sat through Mami's long speech about how she had come to be knocked up, all while staring at Ma's bloodshot eyes.

She was fighting tears and so was I.

They had planned this, it was their miracle baby. Mami had promised to stop messing around once she got pregnant but Ma had literally caught her with her legs wrapped around my godmother's head.

Now they were trying to make it work, Mami was going to take time off from music and they were pulling me out of boarding school immediately.

They wanted a united front.

But from the way that they barely touched or looked at each other, I could tell that it was going to take a lot more than a few changes to steer this ship in the right direction.

How could we go back to normal after this?

How could I ever look at them the same again?

Ma should have left Mami, because she deserved to be left high and dry but they wanted to stay together for me and the baby.

It was a shitty excuse and there was no way that I could go on living like this, something had to give and it looked like I was going to have to make sure of that.

Goodbye Thanksgiving, so long birthday and a Merry fucking Christmas to me!

* * *

_**A/N: I'm not feeling very well but I thought I would give you this. Thanks for all the reviews and adds. Your support is awesome! :)** _


	5. Discovering You

_**A/N: Split chapter, present day. Some people are still confused and I'm thinking some of you people aren't reading these messages. They are important. Both ladies in this chapter.**_

* * *

**Star's POV  
**

* * *

By the time that I was born, Mami had already had three miscarriages and Ma, was too committed to her dancing career to try for a baby. I was their last-ditch effort at getting pregnant and I stuck.

Mami had a reality show while she was pregnant and if I ever want to learn just how much of a miracle I am, I can just pop in the DVD and watch the whole season. Any time I got depressed as a kid, Ma would make me sit through the whole thing and would point out things, pausing and explaining just why I was intended to be here with them.

It was enlightening and affirming, the love they shared back then was apparent. Anyone could see it.

They say that I came out smiling with my eyes wide open, Ma says that I reminded her of what Aunt Rachel must have looked like when she came into this world.

They thought immediately, that I was born to be a star and that's how I got my name and because I was a miracle, I got everything that I wanted and needed from the moment that I could sit up on my own.

Every small accomplishment has been rewarded.

Thanks to my four grandparents taking me during holidays and making me work, gave me chores and stability, I grew up with a sense of normalcy. Had it not been for those four anchors in Lima, I'm positive that I would be like the trust fund kids at my school.

Brainless, overconfident and entitled.

So when my mothers, both looking overly exhausted with the extreme amount of effort it was taking for them to reconnect, asked me where I wanted to bring in my fifteenth year, the answer was simple. They had both been expecting some place extravagant but despite my name, I had more substance than they afforded me.

I chose Lima because as far as I could tell we all needed a recharge.

Unfortunately, I ended up with one mother ignoring the other all through the flight until we touched down.

And then all hell broke loose.

* * *

I looked into the knowing eyes of my mother as we sat in the basement of my grandparents house. She was incredibly emotional as she looked me over.

_"I love you."_ She whispered as she wiped her eyes and punched things into the screen.

_"I love you too, Ma. Always and forever."_

I watched as she sucked in a shaky breath and then tried to refocus on the task at hand.

_"Now remember, you can't tell anyone who you really are. You have to blend in. A younger me is much more likely to just accept you and believe you when you tell her that you are her long-lost cousin from Santa Fe, Your Mami wouldn't believe that for a second. Even if you do look like a blonde and blue eyed version of her." _

I couldn't help but chuckle but then she wiped another tear away and I was at once reminded of why I was doing this in the first place.

_"It's going to be okay, Ma. I'm going to make us a family again."_

She nodded and then continued talking, all while holding back tears.

_"I know, SJ."_

_"Do you?"_ I asked, taking her damp hand between my own but she just smiled and then blew out a breath before launching into her instructions.

_"Do not take no for an answer, if she says you can't stay, insist that without her help, the world might end."_ I snickered but she looked super serious.

_"SJ, You need to be nice, I was very sensitive back then and if you hurt me, your Mami will get involved and start questioning everything you do. I was a genius obviously, I built this machine all by myself but __ I was __still very naïve. I'm sending you back to three nights before the day we started dating. Remember, this keypad will only get you back home three times. Be smart about how you use it. Okay?"_

_"Are you sure about this, Ma?"_

_"Listen to me__, SJ__, I'm only going to say this one more time. The existence of this family is depending on you fixing things. I'd go but your Mami needs me, even if I don't feel like I need her right now. I owe her this. You didn't choose to have her as a mother but I chose to have her as a wife and now I have to deal with the consequences but you shouldn't have to. I'll die before I let that happen."_

_"Don't talk like that." _

_"I've never lied to you Star and I'm not going to start now."_ She said, her blue eyes burning into my soul._  
_

_"What will you tell Mami about me leaving the same day of my birthday?"_

_"Don't worry about that, if you and me have our way, I won't need to explain. Be good to teenage me, she's still your mom.__ I love you, Star Jay, always.__"_

_"And forever." _I said, hugging my mother one last time before stepping into her time machine._ "I love you too. Be good to Mami."_

_"Make good choices and Happy Birthday, SJ. I'm so proud of you already." _She said, sticking out her tongue before hitting the button.

* * *

Half of me was expecting for nothing to happen, the other half expected to be electrocuted but neither happened. My ears started ringing, my skin began to tingle, and a bright light blinded me until I was left disoriented and breathless.

_"Shit, it worked." _I muttered as I looked down at my watch. I was in the year 2012.

I stumbled through the woods behind McKinley, just like Ma had told me that I would. I could hear the sound of Auntie Sue's whistle. It made me smile because as a kid she had been amazing to me which never lined up with the stories that I had heard about her.

Now though, I'd get to see her in all of her glory. I was kind of excited about it all, getting to know my mothers on a different level and maybe understand the story of how they fell in love was something I was glad that I'd get to see.

I would get to meet the younger version of my Titi Quinn and hopefully see what made her lean a little too much in Mami's direction and potentially, I could lean her in a different direction.

Ma suggests that I lean her towards Aunt Rachel but that pairing is just kind of hard for me to imagine.

Then again, so is going back in the past to save my parents' marriage but here I was and that's what I intended to do.

I looked at the address that Ma had scribbled on my palm in her swirly writing and literally felt like I was going to fall apart. Normally my birthday was full of vacations to Cabo or skiing in Vail. This was not how I imagined my ideal birthday to end up but I had to save my family, no matter what the consequence.

And if I got to see someone who had left this world one more time, that was just icing.

* * *

I wandered across Liberty Avenue, excited to see a familiar home.

Aside from Abuela and 'Buelo, who showered me with love and strictly Spanish so that I wouldn't lose my culture to that cest pool in LA for one half of the summer, my other set of grandparents (before Poppy died) used to have me here for the other half of summers.

The worlds that my mothers were raised in were completely different. I knew the odds of them falling in love was nearly impossible but together, they were impermeable or so I thought.

Looking over at that tiny blue rancher with the seasonal flag hanging outside and the snow that covered the lawn, tears came to my eyes. I was home again.

Lima was always my safe place, especially when Poppy was around and now I would get to see him again and it was going to be so hard not to cry.

Poppy seemed to be created from magic, when he was alive, he had a strong bond with Mami and with him in her ear, I never saw her treat Ma like any less than a queen. She would take her on every possible tour, she'd happily parade in front of cameras, and bought her the best gifts.

And when I was born, she gave me my Poppy's first name as a middle just to honor how much him giving his only daughter away meant to her.

But these last couple of years, without him around has been filled with Ma on one coast visiting me when she could and Mami all over the country, doing God knows what with God knows whom.

My mind was swirling with the possibilities of maybe saving Poppy or getting him to straighten out Mami, but how?

I was so distracted with my thoughts, that I didn't see the car coming or anything else directly afterwards.

The world just went black.

* * *

**Eliana's POV**

* * *

From the moment that I found out that my mother had been screwing Aunt B, I have been sick to my stomach.

Seeing my brothers be so broken and doing shit at school to get in trouble, hoping to get some attention from our feuding parents because any attention was better than no attention, makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

Of course, Mama's form of attention means lots of mass and living like a minimalist but I don't think that any of us cared, it was better than nothing at all. With Mami off the rails, Mama was overloaded with searching for a job to cover the bills. Money was disappearing right along with Mami, who just insisted that she was trying to make more money by volunteering to fly around the country.

Being a PR rep for companies, instead of celebrities was something she was still bitter about but she brought home enough money for us to live comfortably. Mama tried to convince her to let us move somewhere cheaper, so the money would go further but she insisted on being in New York.

All of it was overwhelming and I tried my best to pick up the slack but then Santos went so far as to set the trashcan in the Principal's office on fire just to get Mami to come home but now he's spending his three-week suspension plus Christmas break in Lima with Abuelo.

I do not envy him.

Abuelo is as tough as nails and will not hesitate to put Santos over his knee and warm up his culo with the quickness. I feel a little bad for him but maybe it will serve as a good distraction from what we have going on at home.

Frankly we all needed a way out which is why I ended up using whatever money I had saved up and went in search of the woman who had inserted herself in my family business.

Mama had made me promise not to confront Aunt B, who Mami had finally confessed to screwing one drunken night a week ago but I'd rather ask for forgiveness in this instance than to have begged Mama to let me go.

This was too important to leave in her hands. So I dropped Lukas off at kindergarten and then turned my phone off as I caught the train to Jersey.

At one point, Aunt B had been my refuge but over the last few years, as I've gotten moodier and more reckless, she's pulled back. I always thought it was because of me but I'm pretty sure it had more to do with my mother.

She owed me an explanation and I was cashing it in.

* * *

I was banging on her door at eight in the morning, in the freezing cold one week from Christmas, wholly tempted to break the fucker down.

But then she answered, hair disheveled and wrapped in her robe.

_"Why aren't you in school?" _She asked, looking like I had caught her out._  
_

_"Don't pretend to care, Aunt B. If you truly cared about me, you would have never slept with Mami."_

Her face went red and she looked out into the street behind me.

_"Who told you that?"_ She squeaked out, still looking behind me, surely expecting Mama to show up.

_"Don't worry, Mama isn't going to pop out and attack you. And as for Mami, if she was telling the truth, she's on a business trip in Michigan."_

_"Oh?"_ She said, her face turning pink as she looked at me wide-eyed and guilty._  
_

My heart sunk.

_"She's here, isn't she?"_ There were rocks in my throat, I couldn't believe her._ "That bitch! Did you just fuck her, is that why you look like this?"_ I snapped and Aunt B just stood there staring blankly at me, like she had turned into a statue. _"Answer me, hija de gran puta!"_ I growled, snapping her back to the present.

_"Ellie, calm down."  
_

I shoved my finger against the center of her chest, feeling all the years of closeness and secrets that we shared dissolving right before my eyes.

_"No, this is fucking unforgivable. I can't believe that you would do this_ _to me, to the boys, or to your fucking best friend. You disgust me."_ I spat on her porch and then took a step back, tears finally coming to my eyes as she stood there in shock.

_"Ellie? Please?" _

_"Please what? Please understand that fucking my mother is more important to you than breaking her marriage? Please don't hate you for kneeling at my mother's feet while my brothers cry themselves to sleep? Please, what, bitch!" _

I was in a state of pure fury, pulling at my hair and yelling loud enough to alert her whole neighborhood but really it was Mami who I wanted to hear me. I wanted her to know that the gig was up.

She had fucked up for the last motherfucking time and I was going to see to it that she paid for this.

* * *

I stormed down the porch steps and now that I was looking, quickly spotted Mami's car down the block. I pulled my spare key out of my pocket and didn't bother looking back when I heard my mother's voice just behind me.

Fuck her and her disregard for the family.

Aunt B wasn't that fucking special, she wasn't a fucking unicorn, she was just a whore._  
_

_"Eliana."_ Mami called out but I moved faster, putting up my middle finger as a response to her. _"Eliana! You stop right this minute! Do you hear me?"_ Her voice called from behind me somewhere but I just kept moving, not stopping for a second.

The pain in my still healing rib cage beginning to ache but I only had a one track mind.

Get as far from this train wreck as possible and save Mama from any more pain.

* * *

I climbed into Mami's car, tears clouding my vision and pushed in the old car lighter.

There was a banging on the windows and I immediately locked the doors, hoping she hadn't been smart enough to grab her keys.

My hands were freezing as I looked at her, more angry than upset that I had found her out.

She was yelling all sorts of things but I tried my best to block her out.

With shaky hands I lit one of her cigarettes and then blew a cloud of smoke in her direction. Her face was red and her lips were swollen.

I had gone down on enough girls and Addi to know just what oral sex lips looked like.

Gross.

She reached for her pocket and I heard the click of the locks but before she could reach for the handle, I tore out of the parking spot, blindly driving down the road.

I should have wiped my eyes, I should have been paying more attention but the blur of black that flew in front of my car came way too fast. I slammed on the breaks but the sickening thud that followed told me that I had hit someone and I had hit them hard.

My heart was in the pit of my stomach. I looked down at my shaking hands and desperately searched through my jacket pocket for some relief, coming up empty.

_"Please don't let it be her, just anyone but her. Please God?!"_ I mumbled over and over as I brought the half crushed cigarette to my lips.

_"San? No, no, no!"_ Aunt B screamed and then there were even more tears from me as her wails blended with the sirens that were approaching.

Mami shouldn't have even been here, she should have been at home with Mama planning an epic Christmas and making good on her promise to be faithful but instead, here we were,

Both hanging off the edge of a precipice from which we might never return.

* * *

_**A/N: I know, I know but if you've read me before, you knew a cliff was coming! Thanks for the reviews and the follows. You rock so hard! ;)**  
_


	6. Breaking You

**_A/N: I am so grateful for you all sticking with me, I know it's been a little tough to latch onto the idea that is brewing in my head and translating itself here, but I have faith that you are starting to really see what I see! :) Thank you for the reviews and all the love._**

* * *

**Eliana**

* * *

_"Are you okay?" _

_"Huh?"_

_"Are you hurt?"_

I looked up blankly at Aunt B as she held the door open, her hands shaking and her eyes wild.

_"No." _I whispered, wondering if Mami was dead and why Aunt B even bothered to check on me.

_"Good. If you're not hurt, then you need to get out of this car and go home. Don't come back, don't cause a scene. Just go, now."_

_"But I-"_

The sirens were coming closer and she was looking more frayed as the seconds ticked by and it made me feel a small sense of joy, just knowing that I was getting underneath her skin.

_"She's got a pulse. You didn't kill her, conscience clear. Now get your ass out of the car, right now."_

_"Why?"_ I finally uttered, not giving a shit whether she was annoyed or not.

She pushed out a breath and then glared at me.

_"Look, Ellie, the last thing that Quinn needs on top of any of this drama, is knowing that you were responsible for this and that you were just as reckless a driver as she was."_

Her words stung.

I climbed out of the car and without pause, she took my place, not even bothering to look my way.

_"I love you, Eliana, always."_ She muttered as she pulled the door closed and the sting turned into a burn.

She was going to take the fall for me and I wanted to believe, from the depths of my fucked up little heart, that it was because she was protecting me.

I wanted to believe that this was about her saving my ass because she really did love me and care about me but I couldn't shake the rage that I felt. I was positive that when she opened her front door, she had just finished fucking my mother.

She deserved what she got, even if it was this.

* * *

My feet began to carry me away from the car, towards the sidewalk, as guilt coursed through my veins.

I could hear my mother moaning but I didn't dare to check on her because I knew that I wouldn't be able to leave her lying there once I saw what I had done to her. So, I walked in the opposite direction, blending into the crowd that was just beginning to form on the sidewalk, I was a coward.

This wasn't how things were supposed to go down.

But I just kept walking with tears in my eyes, thinking of the heartbreak that Mama would feel and how my brothers would continue to cry themselves to sleep, this time because of me.

As the sirens finally made it to the end of Aunt B's block, I knew that I could never forgive myself or Mami. I was a coward and so was she. Aunt B was the only brave one and even though the thought of her tearing my family apart broke me down in ways that I would never be comfortable with, I respected her need to keep me out of trouble, even if it was for her own selfish motivations.

At least some part of her cared.

* * *

By the time that I was back in New York, I had two calls from Mama and a text asking me to call her as soon as I could. She knew that I wasn't in school and needed to talk to me right away.

She said it was a matter of life or death, that she was on her way to the hospital and needed me to pick up the fucking phone but I couldn't deal with that. I didn't know this side of her, the desperate side who cursed at her kids and cried openly.

I was uncomfortable with it and was way too fragile to see her like this, if hearing her tore me up, seeing her would kill me.

Had I not been the one to cause the accident that had my mother clinging to life, I would have thought Mama was talking about one of my brothers and I would have come to her right away but instead, I shoved my phone into my pocket and took another hit off the joint that Addi had rolled for me when I had showed up at his door, shaking and crying.

He had been half asleep and once I admitted everything to him, he became worried that the cops were going to show up at his drug filled house next but I promised him that they wouldn't, besides they wouldn't know where to look.

I was blubbering.

The tears just kept coming and with me and Addi, tears never factor in to our relationship. We may fight, physically and verbally but never do I let him see me cry and he was more than okay with that. He wrapped me in his arms and fucked me into a stupor before passing out next to me, mumbling that he would protect me before he started snoring.

As much as I had gone to Addi for comfort, his unconscious state allowed me to get my thoughts in line and I was insanely grateful.

It was just me, all alone, an endless supply of drugs at my disposal as I sat on his couch watching reruns of Aunt 'Cedes' reality show.

She would not approve of my actions today but she was in LA and I was in New York, ducking Mama and possibly the police but if wishes were fishes...

Seeing her all dolled up made me long for her showing up on Christmas with presents for all of us, double for me because I was her special girl, born on the best holiday of the year.

Whenever she was around, my parents seemed to get along and Mami didn't drink, which made Aunt Mercedes, my favorite of all my "Aunties", that and she was a bad ass which always appeals to a degenerate fuck up like myself.

Having her here for those few days a year always gave me a glimpse of who Mama was before all the devout Catholicism and who Mami was before she was only worried about drinking, working, and extramarital affairs.

Was it selfish to want that kind of thing at all times?

* * *

Three hours, two joints and a popped Molly later, I emerged from Addi's house with my head feeling a lot clearer. My overly emotional state had vanished and it filled me with so much relief. Without them clouding my mind, I was able to analyze my actions and form a plan for my next step.

Before anything else, I needed to at least find out what had happened while I had disappeared.

So I reluctantly turned my phone on as I stepped onto the porch. While my phone loaded itself, I lit a cigarette, hoping that the calm that was covering me wouldn't disappear the moment that my phone came to life.

I was freezing and wishing that I had grabbed Addi's coat before locking the door behind me. Today had just been a day of stupid decisions for this Lopez.

Normally in winter, I have on a leather coat and boots at the very least but in my haste to get out of the house this morning, without questions, so that I could drop Lukas off before truancy cops were sniffing around, I had just thrown on the first jacket that I found and my running shoes. Needless to say, with a foot of snow on the ground and the cold wind whipping the cold around, I felt like a block of ice.

Addi had gone to work for the night and had offered me his place until I was ready to face the music but something about the look in his eyes told me that he didn't mean what he was offering. He wanted none of this dramatic bullshit at his door. I was a good fuck and I didn't bitch about the drugs, so he kept me around. Like my Mami, he was sleeping around and like Mama, I was allowing it to go on, believing that he loved me enough to stop hurting me.

I wanted him to love me unconditionally even if I knew it was impossible.

Obviously I have shitty examples for what love is these days, no wonder I'm screwed up.

I ashed my cigarette against the brick wall of Addi's house and then picked up my phone from the railing, ready to deal with what I had done.

* * *

**_A/N: Stopping here. I hope you enjoyed it. Thanks for being amazing. :)_ **


	7. Surprising You

_**A/N: I'm in love with the way that you all are loving me, chicas. This is how I love you back, with a bit of (my tragically beautiful fluff) ;) -A  
**_

* * *

**Star**

* * *

_"Oh my God, are you okay?" _A familiar voice called out to me but I couldn't quite figure out who it was due to the extreme amount of pain shooting through my body. _"I'm going to drive you to the hospital okay. Just hang in there."_ The world was still fuzzy as I took deep sharp breaths. My head was spinning and I couldn't feel my legs, this was not how I wanted to die.

Terrified of the possibilities, I began to panic, thinking that I had ended up just like Titi Quinn, paralyzed because of a car hitting me.

Paralyzed because I wasn't paying better attention.

I groaned and tried not to move but that didn't end up mattering because just a moment later I was being lifted into the air and just like I expected, even more pain shot through my body, pain so intense that I was screaming hard enough to make my throat bleed. I saw spots as I was put into a car and within seconds the pain got worse, so bad that I blacked out again...thankfully.

When my world went black and my mind became even more jumbled, I was coherent enough to at least know that my pain had dulled. Somehow, I knew that everything would fine, even if I woke up back in LA, as long as I never had to feel that sort of pain ever again. If that was what child birth was like, do not sign me up.

I floated in a cool place, wondering if going back in time would have an effect on my medical care or even my being born at all before falling deeper into my unconscious where not even worries could touch me.

* * *

The second time I woke up, I was in a white room, machines beeping and buzzing all around me, with a familiar face staring down at me, an intense concentrated expression on her face as she tried to figure me out. Seeing something dawn on her lit up her eyes because I was like a complicated math problem that she was determined enough to solve.

And solve she did.

Looking at Ma like this, her bright blue eyes twinkling and her blonde hair cascading over her shoulders, it was easy to see why Mami had fallen for her. She was absolutely stunning.

_"You came from the future."_ She finally said, bluntly and with a smirk on her face.

_"What?" _

_"Do they not teach you to look both ways when crossing the street in the future or do you not have streets? Are there Hovercrafts?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"Are you here because something happened in the future and you came to fix it? Do you recognize me? Am I famous? Your eyes just twinkled. I am famous and you do recognize me! Tell me, am I mass marketing my time machines? I won't tell anyone. Is that why I'm famous? It can be our little secret."_

_"What? I don't...uh...huh?"  
_

And then with a giant grin she held up my remote, which was cracked and flickering but hopefully still functioning.

Crap.

* * *

I was completely disoriented as I stared at this version of my mother, my first instinct was to snap at her impromptu interrogation and not just because, she was ruining my cover story but also because I was literally laying in a hospital bed after she hit me with her car but then I remembered Ma telling me to be nice and my Lopez attack instincts deflated.

Seeing my mother like this, I mean, I had to respect her. I lasted in this universe for all of five minutes before she had tracked me down and figured me out. I have to admit, I severely underestimated her but then again, after people see my blonde hair and hear my musical ramblings about hearing beats in my head, most people assume that I'm utterly insane.

I understood now, more than ever that Ma really is a genius and if her interrogation was any indication of just how insistent she could be, this universe just got a whole lot more interesting. I was tempted to pick her brain apart, spill my guts about my mission and possibly get her to help me, maybe even force her into it but I had to remember how sensitive she was, so I held back. I had to take it easy and not change too much of the past.

This was not a good situation because one wrong utterance could render my reality nonexistent but I wasn't going to ignore how much this could work to my benefit because it really, really could.

Mami has always told me that there is an opportunity to turn around an unexpected circumstance to work for your benefit and this was surely unexpected. Mami was the master of manipulation and surprising people with her ability to survive and adapt to circumstances that should have been out of her control and I was hoping that some of that had rubbed of me because if this version of Brittany was grilling me this hard, a younger Mami was probably much worse and so while I had Brittany all to myself, I realized I had to get her to be on my side and quickly.

_"So you found that remote and came to that conclusion, just like that?"_

_"Duh, I'm a genius, besides. You kind of gave yourself away and why did I not find a way to disable the sensor on the time machine?"_ She asked, head cocked to the side looking more and more pompous as time went on.

I hadn't ever seen this side of her unless she was dancing, she was oozing confidence.

This must be the spark that she set off in Mami to make her fall in love.

I liked it.

* * *

Apparently Ma forgot to warn me that her younger self had installed a sensor on her time machine just in case she got any visitors or Lord Tubbs decided to go time traveling without her permission and apparently, she forgot to tell me that she drove around without a license for a year before she got caught which was why she was so insistent in getting me to the hospital before anyone called the cops.

And people said Mami was the devious one!

So as I was appearing in the woods with a covert mission to save my family, my one mother was sneaking out of school and stealing my other mother's car so that she could go home to find out just what was going on with her time machine sensor and then BAM...

She found me, her future daughter, holding onto a remote she had yet to make with her initials carved in the back. I hadn't been paying attention and walked right in front of the car as she was looking down at the alarm on her phone. That's how she ended up hitting me and landing me in the hospital with a cast on my leg.

Luckily, she hadn't been driving any faster or I might be dead.

But instead, now, more than just her was aware of my presence in this world.

I was royally screwed.

Maybe.

* * *

_"Okay, fine. You're right but before anyone else starts asking questions, I was wondering if you could not tell anyone who I am. Maybe I can just be your cousin or something?"_

_"But you look like Santana."_ She said, pausing for a moment and then her eyes lit up. _"Are you her daughter?"_

My heart sank because I knew that if she thought I looked like Mami, then so would everyone else.

_"I am."_ I admitted, reluctantly.

_"Then why not pretend to be her cousin?"_

_"Because you...uh...well...older you told me to stay with you and not to tell Mami...Santana." _

_"Oh."_ Her head tilted to the side._ "Why? Is it her you are trying to save?"_

_"I can't say right now." _Her smile dropped and tears came to her eyes, I felt like crap and just wanted to hug her._ "Sorry."  
_

_"Why can't you tell me?"_

I was losing my patience, I could see why Ma had warned me to be nice but this version of her put up with Santana Lopez, how bad could I be?

_"Can I stay with you or not? I promise that I will tell you everything when the time is right but it has to be when we are not in such a public place." _

_"Pinky promise?"_ She asked, holding out her pinky and this time it was me that had a huge grin as I wrapped my pinky around hers. Some things never change.

_"I pinky promise."_

_"Awesome! Santana's dad said you could leave as soon as you woke up, let me go get him!"_

_"Wha-"_ I began but she had already dropped my hand and was rushing out the door.

Seeing Abuelo, aka the smartest man on the planet, was not my goal but he had already seen me while I was unconscious, so I guess I didn't have much choice. I was not as prepared for this universe as I thought but I had made a promise to both versions of Ma and I had been raised to honor my word.

Stupid integrity.

* * *

When I met my first girlfriend, Anastacia, there were things about her that no one else noticed but me, I mean yes, we were seven but still...I was the first to notice the flecks of green and yellow in her brown eyes. I was the first to notice how strawberries made her nose itch and I was the first to notice when she was sicker than normal.

And when she was near death, it was only me that knew how to comfort her in her final days.

For as long as I've been alive, Ma and Mami have shared the same kind of bond, so much so that they can sense each others presence.

So when I met my Abuelo, in this incarnation of life and looked at him with the face of his daughter, I was kind of shocked when he didn't see what Brittany saw.

Maybe it was her ability to believe in the supernatural that made her look past the frizzy crown of blonde curls on my head or the bluest, blue eyes that made girls swoon for me, and see that aside from those two things, I am Mami's twin.

Or maybe, it was love. The love that she had for Mami was so strong that she could notice in me the things that she loved so much about my mother.

And as she wheeled me out to the very car that hit me, I couldn't help but to question it because we had already established that she was going to be as brash and brazen with me in this universe than in mine.

_"How were you sure that he wouldn't recognize me? You said it yourself, I look like Santana."_

She chuckled and then gracefully lifted me and then plopped me down in the passenger seat before placing my shoe and a bottle of pills in my hands.

_"People won't question what they aren't looking for. He didn't stare at you like I did. He didn't pick out how your lips match his because the truth is that people tend to forget what they look like about ten seconds after they look away from a mirror. I mean, you have an idea but generally you forget."_

* * *

I wanted to argue her, I wanted to not believe her but the more that I thought about it, the truer her words became.

The rest of the ride, I thought about my own face. I knew I had little dark brown freckles on the bridge of my nose and that my eyelashes were so long that they brushed against my reading glasses and that my hair retained water like a sponge.

But honestly, unless I was staring in a mirror, I couldn't really pick apart my features on anyone else. I never see myself in Mami until we take family pictures, to me she looks like herself but side by side, in front of a reflection, I always manage to see myself in her.

I looked over at Brittany and could see her continuing to ramble on and on about how excited she was that her machine actually worked.

She looked so innocent and pure in her genius ramblings and I could quickly see why Mami was so protective over her. She was this rare energy that could break life down at its core and lay it out for you as if it was all common knowledge.

Sure she was just as flaky as I had always known her to be but this spark in her, made you want to protect her. It made you want to preserve the good in her and now that I've seen it, it makes me want to know even more about the exact point when Mami stopped feeling the same way.

What changed her?

Could I fix it?

* * *

The boot that the hospital gave me for my cast, was like walking with an iron foot. Brittany though, made sure that walking wasn't my first priority because the moment that I attempted to make it up the driveway on my own, she scooped me up in her arms again.

And it was oddly comforting.

I knew that it was probably because she was in essence, my mother and her wrapping me in her arms was something that I had become accustomed to but something inside of me knew, that I couldn't let Santana ever see this because she would NOT understand. She wouldn't see herself in me, she would become vicious and see me as competition and that was the last thing that I wanted.

_"Britt, honey, what are you doing?"_

My heart began hammering in my chest as we entered a living room that smelled just how I remembered it.

And that voice...

* * *

_"Hey Daddy, my friend broke her leg and she has to wear this heavy boot. I was just helping her inside."_

_"Well you're inside now and she looks like she's going to cry. Sit her down already."_

I shared a look with Brittany and she winked at me before putting me on the couch cushion next to her father, who had his feet up on the coffee table and was chatting with someone on Face Time.

_"Who's there, Hun?"_ Another familiar voice said.

_"A girl who Britt just brought home, I'd introduce you but it looks like she's about to faint. We'll call you back."_

A hand met my back and it took every thing in me to stay seated where I was.

Really though, I wanted to climb into his lap and rest my head on his chest like I did when I was five. I wanted him to kiss my face and rub his scratchy beard against my cheek in the process.

I wanted every part of the man who had been the center of my world for so long.

_"Are you alright, honey?"_

I looked up into his crystal clear blue eyes and nodded numbly, fighting the barrage of tears that was clogging my throat.

_"Mmmhmm."_

_"Do you need a hug? You look like you've had a rough day. Would that be okay, can I hug you?"_

That was all it took for the tears to come and Poppy to wrap me up in his arms, his warm sea-breeze cologne clogging my senses and breaking me down.

It was the best birthday present that I would ever receive, I was finally home.

* * *

**_A/N: Even I got a little misty-eyed while writing this. I have no beta, so I will correct errors as I go. I hope you don't mind too much. Thanks for the love! :)_ **


	8. Understanding You

_**A/N: A Longer chapter ahead because certain things needed to be understood ;)**_

* * *

**Eliana**

* * *

_"How is she?"_

_"Lucky to be alive. She has a broken jaw, concussion, broken arm...her left one at that. They said it was obvious that she threw herself towards the car. Addi says that once they get a statement out of her, you might not do much time."_

_"But for now, this is my home."_

_"I wish I could say that I'm sorry." _

_"I understand, you're hurt. I betrayed you. You don't need to be sorry. I knew what I was doing."_ She stared at me for a long moment, her eyes glazing over and her lip between between her teeth before she just dropped her head.

I watched as her shoulders shook and a few tears fell onto the table top and I wanted to hug her, which both shocked and repulsed me but I knew that I couldn't show her affection. She didn't deserve it. She said it herself, she knew what she was doing.

But it was Christmas Eve and I knew Aunt B, words were just as good as touches and I did have a heart, so I said what I had yet to and hoped it would give her some relief.

_"I am grateful for what you did, Aunt B, so thank you. It sucks that you're in here but you'll be out soon." _

She looked up at me and nodded, eyes blood shot and blonde hair looking dingy, as it hung limp against her shoulders. If Mami could see her now, she'd probably kill me. This was her best friend, her sunshine and all that shit but I still wasn't sorry.

* * *

_"So how was it, seeing her?"_

_"Cathartic. I stood by her bedside and released every single bit of anger that I had towards her and you."_

_"Did it make you feel better?"_

_"No. Not really. She moaned a lot, she even tried to speak and explain her side of things but I didn't want to hear it. I wasn't ready to hear it."_

_"And now?"_

_"It's been two weeks. I've been banned from the hospital, Mama won't speak to me outside of her fucking pleasantries and prayer circles and Lukas is in Lima with Santos and Abuelo. Tomorrow is Christmas and I can't imagine that it or my birthday will even be acknowledged."_

_"I wish I could tell you I'm sorry for the affair but I'm not sorry, Ellie and never will be. Loving your Mami has been something that I've done since I met her and there is nothing that I can do to stop it."_

_"And you won't even try?"_

_"There's no point. She doesn't love Quinn, she settled for her, built a life with her but she doesn't love Quinn in the same way that she loves me. Face it, after all these years of having me to lean on, she never will."_

* * *

Two weeks ago, I would have snapped at her words but the more that I see the defeated look in Mama's eyes and the way she just floats through life, praying and not really existing, tells me that there is much more to the breakdown of their marriage than I had ever realized.

And it hurt more than anything.

_"Were they ever really happy?"_

_"Mmm...I guess so. They seemed happy."_

_"Seemed?"_

_"Santana always told me that Quinn was a placeholder for me, she wanted me to live my dreams and come back home when I was ready to get serious. She pinky swore that things with Q weren't that serious. Like an idiot, I believed her."_

_"How did she get from Mama being a placeholder to marrying her?"_

_"When I was on tour, I got pregnant by the headliner. It was this major scandal and I told Santana that I was going to move home to Lima and raise the baby myself. I told her to move on, she fought me on it but eventually, your mom broke her down. They got serious almost instantly and got engaged. I was heart broken when I found out and then two weeks later they were married and planning a family."_

_"What happened to your baby?"_

_"I lost the baby four months into my pregnancy, I was back in Lima and avoiding everything Santana, including her calls because it was right about the time that Santana got pregnant with you. Once you were born, I was sure that things were officially over and so I went back on tour. I gave up on her and continued dancing, only coming back to the city when there was a milestone in your life. I told myself that I would pour all of my love for Santana onto you. That's what I did for a long time."_

_"So everything I have ever known about my parents happy marriage is a lie?"_

* * *

_"That's a question that I can't really answer. Maybe she really loved her and wanted to try. Until I moved to New York, I never really got a look at how things were for them."_

_"So the boys, what was that? Why have them if they weren't happy?"_

_"They had Santos after Quinn finally got to spend time with Beth and she decided that she needed to get pregnant again, to reconnect to being a mother. She felt like you belonged to Santana even though she loved you just as much, she needed to feel the connection to a baby that she gave birth to."_

_"And yet Santos is all about Mami and I'm closer to Mama."_

Aunt B tilted her head and smiled while nodding.

_"It's funny how things end up, isn't it?"_

_"I wouldn't exactly call it funny. Fucked up is more like it.."_

_"Yea well, a lot was fucked up. I was living in LA, I was happily dating and finally over Santana for the most part. Then they got separated...do you remember that?"_

_"What? No. That never happened. Up until all this blew up, I thought that they were happy. How could that have happened without me knowing?"_

_"Well it happened, it was right before Lukas was conceived, you and Santos were in Lima for the summer and they were living apart. Santana moved in with me for two months in LA. We reconnected and she promised me they were going to get divorced but then summer was over and so were we. She went back to New York and just sent me a text that we were over, no other explanation, no nothing."_

_"That sounds like Mami." _I sighed, thinking of how Aunt B wasn't alone in this deceit and how for the most part, Mami was the initiator. I understood what it was like to love someone even though it was doomed, what pissed me off was the fact that she decided to bring three kids into it.

* * *

_"You didn't fight her on it?"_

_"There was no point. I knew she would never leave her. So, I went on another tour for a year and when I came back, Santana had just had Lukas and Quinn had gotten all of you into church. All of a sudden adultery was a big deal to her and I respected that."  
_

_"What changed?"_

_"I moved to New York, for work and it wasn't long after before Santana started getting drunk and showing up at my house. I moved to Jersey, thinking that it would be harder for her to just show up. I resisted her the best way I knew how but I could only do that for so long. I love her more than anything." _

_"You can spare me the details on your love affair. I've already witnessed just how that looks."_ I said, swallowing back the bile in my throat.

Hearing someone tell me my life story, the real one, a story that was filled with lies and deceit made me want to go off and get blitzed until I nuked whatever brain cells that I had left.

Visiting hours were up and Aunt B was taken back to her cell, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart much like Mami had done to her, time and time again.

This could not be my life.

* * *

By the time that I made it from Rikers back to the house, the street lights were on and I was three hours early for curfew for the first time in an eternity.

Not that anyone would be around to notice.

Mama had been spending her days splitting time between the hospital and her church and absolutely avoiding me. The nurse had told her what I said to Mami and she was none too pleased. She told me off about it, told me she would pray for me and other than pass the salt, hasn't said two words to me.

Since the moment she knew what I said, she was paying me barely any mind at all which in the past, I would have loved but now leaves me feeling bitter and alone.

My parents were used to me being cold and distant. They were used to me getting arrested and thrown in jail cells, for underage drinking or fighting. They had always given me a wide berth in light of the fact that my grades were perfect and I did my chores and I not only liked it but I abused the priviledge.

But then Addi left soon after the accident to go visit his relatives in Belgium for the holidays and the boys were shipped off to Lima. Without anything for me to do in the streets and my brothers not in my face, I did nothing but get high and sleep all day. Mama seemed keen on ignoring my hours spent in bed and when I told her that I wanted to visit Aunt B because it was Christmas Eve, she just nodded and went about her business like it was nothing.

Like I was nothing.

It was like she wasn't seeing me anymore. Her eyes would just look through me and on the off chance that she did see me, nothing was reflected back at me but shame.

* * *

Not having Mama be the person she had always been with me was destroying me and because I was visiting a prison today, I had to stay sober. I refused to spend my seventeenth birthday in jail and now, I was really starting to regret it.

The cold was seeping into my skin, chilling my bones and causing tears to soak my cheeks and freeze there. I was certain that I was going to get sick. Fucking emotions.

Tears were starting to become a regular thing for me and I hated every second of it.

And now I was going home to a pitch black house, that was usually bursting at the seams with guests and music, to drown my sorrows with two pretty purple pills.

I pushed my key into the lock but it wouldn't turn, my hands were shaking and I was starting to breathe heavy.

Had she gone so far as changing the locks on Christmas Eve?

_"Fuck! Fuck you!"_ I yelled out into the street.

I banged on the door for a solid two minutes but there was no answer. I was beginning to fiend for anything and everything, it had been a full six hours since I had a hit of anything and it was really starting to get bad. I scratched at the itches that were running up and down my arms and legs. I knew that I looked crazy and that my hands were turning red but I desperately retried my key and then another key, over and over until I had run out of keys to try.

This couldn't be happening.

How could she do this to me? Was this because I visited Aunt B? Did she think that I was betraying her?

_"Fuck!"_ I groaned, resting my head against the door and allowing the tears to flow freely. _"I'm sorry, Mama, I'm so sorry."_

My phone vibrated in my pocket a second later and I shakily pulled it out, only to see that I had a new message from Mama.

**_9:03:21pm::In the spirit of it being Christmas Eve and the fact that I don't want you arrested again. Why don't you turn around, cross the street and try those keys on the house you actually live in. Love MAMA  
_**

I looked up at the house in front of me and noticed the lack of a silver cross just above the frame. Mama was right, this was Mr. Logan's house and thankfully he was too old to hear the racket that I was no doubt making._  
_

_"You've got to be fucking kidding me."_

* * *

When I got to the front door, Mama was standing there, normal top knot in place wearing jeans and sweater that I was positive belonged to Mami.

I stood in the warm foyer in shock.

This look was odd on her, she was always in a dress, even in the winter. It seemed like the reality that I was so sure of, just a few months ago, was rapidly slipping away.

_"Come on in, love, I've got a surprise for you."_

And surprise me she did.

Her warm hand cupped my freezing cheek and she leaned over, pressing her lips to my face before pulling me inside as if she had never stopped talking to me in the first place.

My head was throbbing as I let her pull me from the foyer and through the french doors, into the living room. A million sets of eyes turned my way and I felt more tears silently creep down my face.

This was the last thing that I expected.

* * *

My brothers were home, along with Aunt Fran and her bratty fucking kids, the family sperm donor Uncle Noah, Aunt Mercedes, and at the very corner of the room, sitting up in her recliner, eyes clear and hard as they drilled into me, was Mami.

The only one missing and the only one that I wished was here at this exact moment instead of me, was Aunt B. If she had been here with us, with Mami, instead of sitting in a jail cell on the eve of her favorite holiday, then maybe the look that I was getting wouldn't be so angry and cold.

_"When did she get home?"_ I turned and asked Mama, my back to the room and to the people in it. _"Did you tell her where I went today? Why is she looking at me like that?"_

_"This morning and no, she doesn't know where you were and it might be because of what you said to her in the hospital." _Mama looked into my eyes and I could see that the pain she had been carrying around was still there but with a full house, there was no way she was going to show it.

That's not the way she operated.

What happened at 590 Empire Street stayed on 590 Empire Street. Simple as that.

_"Can I go get showered and changed?"_

_"Let me tell them you'll be back and then I'm coming up to your room, we need to talk. Go ahead up and shower, I'll be there in a second."_

The way she looked at me and my last glance into the living room, when I once again met dark eyes that were still staring through my soul, I knew that I was not going to have a great night.

* * *

Thankfully, Mama had been nice enough to not bother me while I got a shower but as soon as I turned the water off and shut my room door behind me, there she was, sitting on my bed with the contents of my purse spilled out next to her.

I couldn't get mad, not with her finally paying me any mind. This was what I wanted for the last two weeks. Her love, her attention and her to look at me with any emotion other than shame.

She wasn't like Mami, the most she would do is pray me through this and lecture me about it.

Like an idiot I assumed that times hadn't really changed and so I said to her what I hadn't managed to say to Aunt B.

_"I'm sorry that I let you down."_ I said, with my back to her as I slipped into my pajamas.

When I turned to look at her, I could see her fighting with herself. This was her first foray into disciplining me without Mami looming in the background and she seemed unsure of herself but I took her seriously.

After the whole craving fit that I had less than thirty minutes ago, I was starting to scare myself. Thankfully, I had managed to swallow one of those pills before climbing into the shower and I was mellowed out enough to not show how bad I was becoming.

She shook her head as she held up a bottle of blue and purple pills with the label ripped off.

It was all the pills that I had left and I was grateful that I didn't really need one at the moment. I was grateful that she didn't have to see my hands shaking as I stood there in front of her.

But really, I was not even attempting to deny what I had been up to, not anymore. I had experienced her cold shoulder and I never wanted to deal with that again.

_"So you aren't even going to try to lie about what these are?"_

I held my hand out for the bottle and while she looked hesitant she still handed it to me.

_"It was a good escape which I realize wasn't the best one."_

_"But why? When did this start?"_

_"When Mami started beating me, I had to find ways to be numb to it. __She stopped being herself when she drank and you-" _

_"Me?"_

_"Yes you, you've become your parents and freaking Aunt Fran. Too devout to see past the tip of your nose. You know, I've been taking drugs since I was fifteen?"_

_"Two years?"_

_"Two years. What clued you in? How'd you finally catch on?"_

_"I asked your brothers. They've seen you taking pills and Santos just had the drug lecture at school. They asked if you were sick. I didn't know what to tell them. I thought the signs would be easier to spot but with Santana's drinking...I've neglected things."_

_"Tell me about it." I said as I clutched the pill bottle in my shaking hands. "So you got the truth out of me. What happens now?"_


	9. Saving You?

**Star**

* * *

Her blonde hair was spread out on the pillow beneath her and she was giggling while Santana buried her face just under her jaw, murmuring things that I was glad that I couldn't hear. Seeing there like that had me feeling horrified at the sight of the two of them going at it like two...well...teenagers but the other part of me, the part that had seen the devastation of Mami's cheating and what it had done to Ma, was looking at this scene and wondering just how it had all gone belly up.

_"San, stop."_ Brittany whined as she latched onto the wrist that was attached to the hand that was pushing at the hem of her skirt.

_"Why?"_ Santana said, pulling back and looking more insecure than I had ever seen her.

_"Because, I don't know what this is and I can't do it anymore."_ Brittany said, pushing her off and sitting up. I watched Santana's face crumple as the pain of rejection morphed her into the bitch that I had always heard she was but had never seen.

_"Is this because of fucking Artie because I already told you, its not cheating if the plumbing is different and trust me baby I have way different plumbing than wheels unless that's what you want, I have Papi's credit card, I can order-"_

Brittany's eyes flicked to the closet doors that I was standing behind and then back at Santana.

_"No, it's not about your lady parts. I like them just fine. I just want to be with you Santana, out in public. I want to hold your hand at the Lima Bean, I want to kiss you in the hallways, I want everyone to know you are my girlfriend."_

Santana's face changed again, panic replaced rejection as she began to stand up and wipe invisible lint from her Cheerios uniform.

_"I told you, I'm not gay, Brittz. This is fun but you know it can't be more than this."_

_"Then I don't want any of this at all."_

_"What do you mean by that?"_

Brittany was on her feet, face flushed and hair a mess as she walked to her bedroom door and yanked it open.

_"I mean that, if we can't be together for real then I don't even want to talk to you. I can't. It hurts too much. Goodbye, Santana."_

* * *

For most of my life, Mami had always been a complete softy when it came to Ma. There was nothing in the world that Ma could do to make Mami upset. It seemed impossible. Now though, looking at Santana tears and slumping frame as she walks out of the door, tells me why.

The world with Brittany in her life was no place she wanted to exist.

So now that she was an adult and bored in her marriage, she would rather cheat and have Ma to come home to than to not have Ma at all.

It was stupid but it made sense.

_"I thought you said that we end up together?"_ Brittany said as she pulled the closet door open. _"I thought you were my daughter too."_ Her lip trembled and I just sat there looking at her, wondering if I should tell her just how it ends.

What would happen if I told her that they get married right out of high school and stay happy for almost fifteen years before things fall apart?

_"You do. Trust in her, she'll come back to you."_ I said, hoping to God that the tears would stop.

_"How can you be so sure?"_ She asked, wiping at her cheeks and smiling softly with at me.

_"Because you're my mom too and if she didn't get it together, I wouldn't exist."_

* * *

I sat in the basement of my grandparents house, a younger version of my mother staring at me as she worked to get the time machine up and running. Every few seconds, she would shoot me a look and smile._  
_

_"You promise that you'll come back?"_

I nodded as I brought the lapel of my shirt to my nose, taking in the scent of Poppy that seemed to cling to my clothes even after six hours. Since that hug on the couch and then another before he left for work, I have been feeling more focused on my task.

_"I have to come back."_ I whispered, taking another sniff of my collar.

Being in the past meant spending more time around him and getting to learn from him things that I couldn't quite grasp at five.

Saving my mothers was still my number one goal but I wouldn't be me if I didn't get anything out of this for myself.

I mean, I grew up in Hollywood, getting what I wanted has never really been a struggle, it's just been a part of my reality. If money could buy it and I wanted it, I just had to say the word and now that I want something that money can't buy, I'm going to soak up as much of it as I can before my time runs out.

Brittany turned towards me, tears in her eyes as she looked me over with a smile on her face. It was comforting to know that not much changes about her. The same love in her eyes, the same smile on her face and when she begins to speak, there is a quiver of emotion.

She loves me even now.

_"I need you to tell me something and I'll know if you're lying. I have a feeling you know that about me already."_

I nodded.

_"I do."_

_"Good."_ She grinned. "Does my dad die? Is that why you seem so emotional about him hugging you? Is there anything that I can do to stop it from happening?"

I shrugged, feeling like it was impossible to lie to her in this moment.

_"I'm not sure how long he was sick, maybe before I was born but when he ended up in the hospital, he didn't last very long. He didn't want to suffer, so he refused treatment."_

_"What was it?"_

I dropped my head, remembering how we moved to Lima for the last few months of his life, how my parents had slept on a cot in his room to better take care of him. It was a hard time for us as a family and the idea that it could be avoided just seemed like a chance that I was very willing to take.

_"It was Cancer, by the time anyone found it, he was terminal."_

Her hand flew to her mouth and she broke down into tears. I swallowed back my own need to cry and just watched her fall apart and then slowly pull herself back together.

_"I'm...I can't let that happen."_ She whispered, choking back her sobs. _"I'm going to save him."_

* * *

I hugged Brittany tight and thanked her for being awesome. I told her that her ability to be so awesome is what made her so famous.

She vibrated with energy as she closed the glass shower door, her face red and blotchy from a combination of her tears and excitement.

_"I love you." _She said and I didn't doubt it for a second.

_"I love you too. Take care of him." _

_"I will, you'll see." _She winked and with that, I was catapulting through space and time, hoping with ever fiber of my being that the reality that I returned to was one where Poppy was alive and well.

* * *

_**A/N: It is surprisingly harder for me to write Star than it is for me to write Eliana, go figure. I'll come back for errors, my mind is too full today to worry about them. Read, review and repeat!**  
_


	10. Confronting You

_**A/N: Okay, maybe I'm over fanfiction or maybe I'm jumping ship. Which ship? Who knows...shit Idk if you are even reading it stand...this is my last chapter for the time being. I just can't be bothered to give you anything crappy while I'm in a funk. Until next time loves...  
**_

* * *

**Eliana**

* * *

_"How bad is it, Ellie? How often are you on a bender?"_ She was on the verge of breaking down as I stood there, staring down at the pills, wishing that I could lie to her and tell her it wasn't a habit but I couldn't.

Not anymore.

_"It's...being sober isn't something I can do anymore. I just can't deal, you know me, I'm never this open but I really scared myself earlier. Withdrawal was kicking in and it had only been a few hours."_ I said, pushing out words that pained me on every level but I was confident in the fact that my mother would never push me away, so I forced myself to be honest with her.

Even if it hurt.

She loved me. I was hers, even if she had given birth to Santos just so that she could feel what I wasn't able to give her.

I knew that I was always hers.

_"Did you take any before I came up here?"_ She asked, holding her hand out for the bottle.

I looked down at it and fought the urge to take a few before handing it over. She was stronger than she looked and I didn't want her to have to snatch the pills away from me.

_"Just one even though now I'm wishing..."_ I whispered as I handed the pills to her and took a tentative step away from her.

I was so fucked.

She nodded in understanding and then looked straight through me.

_"Tell me that you want help, Ellie. Tell me that you want to stop with the drugs and I promise you, we will make this go away."_

I stood there feeling so open and vulnerable, my body betraying me because despite the single pill that I had crushed up and snorted not even ten minutes before, my hands were shaking.

God, what the fuck?!

There was a knock at the door and I quickly shoved my traitorous hands under my armpits and dropped my head, already anticipating the presence that entered the room without being invited.

_"What's going on in here?"_

* * *

For some reason, despite already being told that Mami could talk with her jaw wired, it freaked me the fuck out to hear the way her voice sounded, hauntingly harsh and endlessly brittle, her voice cut through me even if that wasn't what she meant for it to do.

Sober Mami never really talked like that.

But circumstances between the two of us had changed.

_"San? Why are you up here? The doctors said you shouldn't take the stairs alone."_

_"Santos helped me. What's going on, Q?" _She sighed.

I glanced at Mama, my back to Mami thankfully, I was silently begging the green eyes that stared at me to not ruin this fragile trust that we had.

_"I've got this under control. You told me so, you deal with the boys and I'll deal with Ellie. You agreed."_ She said, her voice restrained even though she looked like she wanted to jump out of her skin.

_"Ellie?"_ Mami called out to me but I kept my back to her. Not ready to face her and thankfully, she seemed to understand it._ "I told your mom everything, about Britt, about who really hit me, about how fucked up I am. I'm sorry I failed all of you. I'm sorry that you were driven to the brink because of my stupidity. There's no excuse for my actions. I want to change, for you kids and for your mom. I hope you can forgive me."_

_"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" _I ground out, my teeth clenched and my skin crawling with hatred. _"Do you know how fucked up I am because of your selfish, sociopathic bullshit?"_ I whispered, the rush of anger and blood in my ears, making me crave the dull stillness that crushed up particles would bring. I was becoming irate and I knew it. Mami heard my anger but Mama saw what this really was, the short fuze of an addict. It was what had driven Grandpa to beat her so much and I could see the fear in her eyes but I just kept going. _"Fuck your apology."_ I finally yelled forcing my sweaty palms against my eyes.

Crushing them.

* * *

I was hovering above myself and I knew that I was dangling from a thread.

_"Eliana Grace!"_ Mama snapped at me. _"Look at me, damnit!"_ She snapped, shocking me out of the show I was putting on. I dropped my hands and opened my eyes to see her standing to her feet, ready to defend Mama or stop me from doing more damage. _"You need to get yourself together, I don't care how bad things are, you DO NOT talk to your mother like that. Ever. Got it?"_

_"Mama...just, hear me out."_ I said, holding my hands out so she knew that I was back under control but she didn't trust my words.

_"Do you understand?"_ She growled.

_"Yes." _

_"Good, now you look at her when she is talking to you and despite her fuck ups, you show some respect."_

* * *

How could I respect someone who had time and time again, hurt this family, hurt Mama, and literally hurt me.

How was I supposed to look her in the fucking eyes and listen to what she had to say?

I didn't want to but for Mama, I would do anything, including this.

I turned towards Mami and stared straight into her eyes, feeling like I was close to losing my only ally all over being disrespectful and that couldn't happen.

I expected fire there or at least some sort of wall when I looked at Mami but she was open to me, tears burned at the red rims of her eyes and her face was paler than I had ever seen it, she was suffering.

Good.

* * *

Even with my spite all geared up and raring to go, I had to acknowledge that this wasn't the Mami that I had been dealing with for these past couple of years.

This was a different version of Mami, one that I had never seen. I wanted to pounce on her vulnerabilities, I wanted to attack her while she had her walls down but once we were eye to eye, I couldn't bring myself to be the bitch that I was known to be.

Even if that's what she expected.

_"Do your worst. I deserve it."_ She said, tilting her chin up slightly as she stared me down, still vulnerable, still open.

_"No. I don't want to hurt you anymore. We've all been hurt enough. I just want you to be real with me and I want to be real with you in return." _

_"Fair enough."_ She said,

_"I went to see Aunt B today and she told me everything. She told me about your separation, she told me about her miscarriage, about how you chased her every single chance that you fucking had like the dirty dog that you are. All while Mama was home losing herself to her biggest fears. Do you think becoming a fucking Bible thumping zealot was what she wanted? Do you think that any of this is what she wanted?"_

Mami looked behind me at Mama and then back again.

_"None of this is what I wanted but more than that, pushing you over the edge is the last thing I could have imagined."_

_"Edge?"_ I asked, my voice small and meek.

_"You were high when you hit me and it's not the first time you've been. I've seen the signs for a long time now. I didn't do anything about it. I just kept pushing."_

_"You knew?!"_ Came Mama's voice from behind me, so cold a chill ran across my shoulders.

_"I had my suspicions."_

_"And you said nothing? Nothing, Santana?"_

There was another knock on the door and I couldn't help but throw my hands up.

_"Look, you two figure out your shit another time. There is a house full of people and my brothers, your sons have been through enough. Please, can we just discuss all this after tomorrow?"_ I pleaded, as I hovered in the middle of their standoff, wishing that it was enough to divert Mama's attention away from the unattended pill bottle on my bed.

They both looked at me and for a second, I thought I was in the clear but Mama snatched up the pills and stormed past us, swinging the door open to reveal Santos and Aunt Mercedes.

_"Fine. Lets fucking celebrate Christmas and after that, both of you are going to fucking rehab!" _She shrieked before storming past Aunt Mercedes who stood their looking between me and Mami, in shock.

Eyes finally trained on me, with disappointment etching its way over her features, she whispered. _"Both of you?"_

And my world fell apart.


	11. Hating You

_**A/N: Well hey, I'm back chicas! ;) You read it right...I'm here in front of you, asking you to love me a little bit. I'm going to pace myself. Okay? Good! This is raw and unedited...I'll be back for what seems a bit jumbled...bear with me, it's a process. :)  
**_

_** Gonna split chapter this muthasucka, let's check in on our girls and jump time a little bit. A month...  
**_

* * *

**January 21st, 2035**

**Los Angeles, CA**

***Star***

* * *

My head was aching as the pain from my leg increased. It had been my hope that going back to my own time would reverse the broken bone but as I spun through the heat of time and space, the pain remained.

The only comfort that I had was the scent of Poppy still on my clothes. The memory of his hug and his voice kept me calm as the machines puttering and violent shaking finally evened out.

Thank God!

Once the machine stopped moving and my brain stopped rattling my skull, I forgot about the pain and attempted to stand up.

Bad move!

Mami says that the sound that came out of me sounded feral and deranged. Up until the moment that I literally fell out of the time machine and into her den, she had thought that I was visiting Aunt Rachel in New York. What's worse it that Ma had gotten her in on the lie.

I had blacked out soon after from the amount of pain that I was in and didn't wake up until I was in a bed at the hospital with my leg once again wrapped in a cast. Ma says the heat of the time machine melted my old cast away but this one was more futuristic and wouldn't melt when I went back.

Mami though, is against the idea completely. As far as she is concerned my dalliances in her past are over for good but if she thinks that I'm going to give up on saving her from all the pain and heartbreak or that I'm going to pass up on seeing Poppy again, she's got another thing coming.

* * *

It's been a month, my leg is healed. Mami's moving around like normal and I just got my text books that I'm going to need now that I'm not going back to boarding school. They want me to catch up but really, I'm going to have to remember most of this stuff since I already covered most of it.

My mothers have been bickering while I study A Clockwork Orange for the second time.

I'm frustrated and irritated with this imposed family time at all hours of the day, I'm surprised they haven't invited me to sleep in their room at this point.

Rhode Island never sounded so good.

_"Please."_ Mami spat out as she tapped her foot impatiently. _"Tell me that you didn't give her permission to skip her new school and go back in time, B."_

_"I did."_

_"She came back broken and traumatized, why would you allow her to go back!"_ Mami screeched at the top of her register.

_"Don't yell at me."_ Ma said as she continued to play with the tablet that was perched on her knees. _"We agreed."_

_"Yea well, we also agreed that you wouldn't fucking make decisions behind my back! Why am I always the bad guy? Why do you get to be the fun one? Am I not fun? Am I not a riot to be around?"_

Ma paused and then after a moment our eyes met. The blue of her eyes was turning to steel and I could see that she was holding back her anger because frankly, Mami had been through a lot in the last month and _while she may have lost the baby, her hormones still thought she was pregnant._

_"I'm going to go get some air."_ I whispered as I got up from the floor, my newly healed leg still feeling a bit sore but instead of hissing or making any sound at all, I swalloed my pain and prepared to leave the room.

_"No. You stay."_ Mami said without even sparring me a glance.

_"Let her go, Santana."_

_"No. You two have made enough fucking plans without me and I can't live with the lies."_

Even if she wanted me to stay, the fire in Ma's eyes about lies was enough to send me packing, quicker than I could have imagined.

If Mami hadn't lied in the first place, we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Hormones or not, I didn't want to hear another second of the disagreement. I couldn't live like this anymore and I shouldn't have to.

* * *

I packed a bag full of pictures and something that I knew might help the future more than anything that I could have thought of before going back the first time.

What I wanted was selfish but I couldn't imagine not trying to fix things if I could.

Their arguing was getting closer which meant that one was leading while the other stormed after them. My bet was on Ma walking away from Mami because that made the most sense.

I said a quick prayer as I stuffed the remote into my bag, surrounded by an extra set of clothes to keep it safe.

I saw a blur of blonde with a head of black hair just behind it, Ma smile while Mami looked like she was ready to lunge into the machine with me and I couldn't let that happen so I slammed my hand on the button and engaged the locks to the time machine.

The heat surged through me and me alone, I had made it with or without my parents approval.

Or so I thought.

* * *

**January 21st, 2035**

**New Haven, CT**

**Eliana**

* * *

_"I'm glad you have finally decided to talk today. It's been a struggle for you, I know but this is a great start to a better life."_

I watched her coal dark eyes she agreed with the therapist who had been encouraging these group sessions, even though I had begged and pleaded with them to separate us because she was my reason for being here.

Truth was, I would have never touched a single fucking controlled substance without her pushing me so hard in everything.

She frustrates me and she knows it.

We haven't spoken since Christmas when our whole family ushered us to fucking Connecticut to deal with our issues.

I hate everyone and everything but nothing more than these meetings.

_"I didn't want to be here forever."_ was the the reply, ushered in such away that it was very evident that even speaking those seven words was painful.

_"Well this is the start."_

_"You said that." _

_"Do you need direction?"_

_"It's been a month, I see how it works...so I can either keep talking to you or I can fucking share."_

_"Language."_

_"Right. Sorry."_

* * *

_"You all know my name, I'm not doing that. I just don't care enough to do that and I am not sorry for it."  
_

I blew out a breath and her eyes drilled holes into my face.

_"Typical." _I muttered and that was all it took to unleash the fucking monster._  
_

_"What did you say?" _She said, standing from her chair so quickly that she nearly knocked it over.

But I wasn't scared of her anymore. I didn't have to be, she was wrong and now not only Ma knew it but everyone did.

_"I said it's fucking typical of you." _I snapped. _"You fuck up and never want to apologize for shit. You are a fucking coward and I hate you." _I spat, without raising my voice for a second and that just made her more angry.

But I wasn't scared. I didn't care.

Fuck her.

* * *

I was so used to pushing her to anger and so I lifted my chin and geared myself up for her hand to make contact with my face.

I squeezed my eyes closed, bracing myself for impact but it never came. Instead I heard the creaking of the chair across from me and the sound of her clearing her throat.

_"My daughter hates me. That's what this all boils down to. I was unhappy in my marriage because I was stuck in the past. I kept asking myself all of these hypothetical questions and eventually, I acted on my feelings. I drank to hide the pain, the guilt of what I was doing to my wife and my kids. As you can see, they have all suffered because of my actions."_

_"No shit."_ I huffed, crossing my arms over my chest and ignoring the glare coming from the moderator.

_"It's becoming clear to me now though, that whether or not I leave my wife, my children should never have to feel like they live in a war zone."_ She had been looking at the floor but now, her eyes burned into my face and she gave me a small smile._ "Ellie, I screwed up. That has never been clearer to me than right now. You shouldn't be here. I never...I don't expect you to ever forgive me but that doesn't mean that I won't fight for you. I've never been a quitter and I'm not going to start now."_

_"You don't think cheating on my mother is quitting on your marriage? You don't think giving up on your dreams is quitting? You don't think failing to be a good parent is quitting? You're right, I won't forgive you. You're not worth it."_

_"I know." _She muttered as I left the room, feeling vindicated and powerful in her sadness. It was like a high of a new kind, one that I could see myself getting used to.

* * *

_**A/N: Yea it's been awhile...I'm easing back in. Read, review, bitch and moan...I'm all ears.**_


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